some new funnies

[mudqueen]

[mudqueen]

[Dodgeboy426]

LMAO!

[mudqueen]

this would make the poop go way back up the shoot, so you loose your urge.

[mudqueen]

A little boy, Johnny, blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as
he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something".
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shoppingcenter.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again.He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge.

A diarrhea run. She can hardly
make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet !
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and shit is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!

[mudqueen]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their
weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young
blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a
round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether
she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work
in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want
to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything
that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy
playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on
how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive
first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place
her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down
the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get
into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the
blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
(She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an
easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She
then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked
the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the
middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to
amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every
hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under
par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank
you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to
use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to
break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll
take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill
Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the
rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the
green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finallysaid, 'Honey, aim about
6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little
hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a
plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches
to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into
the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball,
picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

[mudqueen]

While discussing who makes the best patients, five doctors claimed the following: The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.' The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.' But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.' *

[mudqueen]

Lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What is your name?'

'I can't tell you,' the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?'

'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the black man.

'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!' the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, ' I knew you would make fun of it'.

The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica.

[mudqueen]

New use for Windex:

I haven't checked 'snopes.com' to see if this actually

works or not; But they say,






If you ever get the sudden

Urge to run around naked,

You should drink some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.




Have a Great Day!

[mudqueen]

'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches,
it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you
do today, might burn your butt tomorrow......'

[mudqueen]

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Newfoundland community.

After several months, Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Newfie women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy Doctor anywhere in Grand Bank

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Father, would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Marystown to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Marilyn went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:

"I 'opes' youse was paying attention, ...Cause dat, me son, is how you waves a towel !"

[mudqueen]

Yesterday a blonde had a flat tire on the interstate. So
she eased her
car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the
car and opened the trunk. She took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded
them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic.

They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
They were in trench
coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching
drivers. To her surprise, cars start slowing down looking at her
lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up.
Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind her.
He got out of his car and started walking toward her. She could tell he was
not a happy camper! "What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tire,"
She said calmly. "Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men
doing here by the road?"She couldn't believe he didn't know. So she told him,
"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"