When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a
woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a
singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
breath away. " I may look like just an ordinary man,"
he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week
or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that
evening and, three days later, she became his
stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men...
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F or all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
Here's an update for you.....
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....
Just to get a little sausage.
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A grade school teacher in Kentucky Asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
He said, "My aunt Bessie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
(LK)
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Subject: Golf Lessons
>
>
> >>>> > A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome
of
> >>>> > >
> >>>>ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking
their
> >>>>> time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She
> >>>>hacks > it 10 feet; goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then
> >>>>hacks it > another 10 feet.
> >>>> >
> >>>> > She looks up at the men who are watching and says
apologetically,
> >>>> > "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't
>help."
> >>>> >
> >>>> > One of the men immediately replied, "Well, you know, that's
your
> >>>> > >
> >>>>problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."
> >>>> >
> >>>> > To this day, his grave marker stands next to that tee box as a
> >>>>warning > to other potentia smart asses
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Bubba and Larry were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Larry shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length."
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In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reach the age 18
>they participate in a ceremony as follows:
>
>They stand naked in a large circle, facing inward. A beautiful naked girl
>does a sexy dance in the center of the circle. Behind each male is a
>beautiful naked girl. As soon as all the males are excited and have
>erections, the girls behind them reach through between their legs, pull
>their erect penises downward and then release them.
>
>
>
>Their penises spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies. A
>measurement of the strength of their masculinity.
>
>
>
>And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.
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A Texas cowboy was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
> >
> >Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
> >
> >After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted
> >island.
> >
> >After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
>animal
> >companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
> >
> >One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
> >clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, ah yes, the perfect night for
> >romance.
> >
> >As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
> >lonely cowboy. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
>around
> >it.
> >
> >But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
> >the man removed his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three
>of
> >them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more
> >cuddling.
> >
> >A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
> >
> >The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
>woman
> >the man had ever seen.
> >
> >She was in a bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back
>to
> >health.
> >
> >When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
>evening
> >beach ritual.
> >
> >It was another beautiful evening. The sky was a fiery red with
>beautiful
> >cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, ah yes, the perfect
>night
> >for romance.
> >
> >Pretty soon, the cowboy started to get "those feelings" again.
> >
> >He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in. Ever
>so
> >cautiously, he leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her
>ear,
> >
> >"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
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Hockey in Alberta
Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in a Red Deer, Alberta, when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Flames fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we're in Alberta, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again. "Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not an Oilers fan either," the boy says.
"Oh, I assumed everyone in Alberta was either for the Flames or the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Maple Leafs fan," the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard From Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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that's all the funnies i have for a while.... hah hah haha MUDqueen