The rifleman

[bigblockcowboy]

A hunter walks into a gun shop to buy himself a new scope. He asks the clerk to show him the latest and greatest. The clerk pulls a really big scope out of the box and mounts it on a 30-06 and tells him it's so good that the clerks name can be read clearly on his mailbox 700 yards away. The hunter takes a look and sure enough, he can read it clear as day. Then he said " I can also see a naked man and woman in the living room window." The clerk freaks out, takes the rifle and looks for himself. Then he puts two shells in and tells the hunter the scope and rifle are his if he shoots the the wife in the head and shoots the guys dick off. The hunter takes the rifle, looks in the scope and says,



















" I think I can do it in one shot" ;D

[Dodgeboy426]

LMAO!

[mudqueen]

nice....

[mudqueen]

If a bra is an

upper topper titty flopper stopper,

and a jock strap is a

lower decker pecker checker,

and a roll of toilet tissue is a

super duper doody pooper scooper,

what do you call a Japanese drummer boy
whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

[Dodgeboy426]

LMAO!

[mudqueen]

When It's OK To Kill Your Kids

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of
the bed. It was addressed," Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter With trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real
passion with Joan and she is so nice - even with all her piercing,
tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant, and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants
to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my dreams
too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and
we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the
cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Kevin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[mudqueen]

i had to post this one cause i had to let you know that i would call the little bugger, and hide behind his nicely made up bed with his paint ballgun, and blast the shit out of him when he came in, cause see i don't get mad. i get even!!!!!!and he would never ever do that to me again.

maybe that is how i should get the dog poo cleaned up. sit on the top stair and shoot at him every time he starts screwing around. i just might try that......

[mudqueen]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boy friend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed..."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[mudqueen]

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a
woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a
singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
breath away. " I may look like just an ordinary man,"
he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week
or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that
evening and, three days later, she became his
stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
F or all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."


Here's an update for you.....

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....
Just to get a little sausage.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A grade school teacher in Kentucky Asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

He said, "My aunt Bessie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.
(LK)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Golf Lessons
>
>
> >>>> > A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome
of
> >>>> > >
> >>>>ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking
their
> >>>>> time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She
> >>>>hacks > it 10 feet; goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then
> >>>>hacks it > another 10 feet.
> >>>> >
> >>>> > She looks up at the men who are watching and says
apologetically,
> >>>> > "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't
>help."
> >>>> >
> >>>> > One of the men immediately replied, "Well, you know, that's
your
> >>>> > >
> >>>>problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."
> >>>> >
> >>>> > To this day, his grave marker stands next to that tee box as a
> >>>>warning > to other potentia smart asses

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bubba and Larry were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Larry shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reach the age 18
>they participate in a ceremony as follows:
>
>They stand naked in a large circle, facing inward. A beautiful naked girl
>does a sexy dance in the center of the circle. Behind each male is a
>beautiful naked girl. As soon as all the males are excited and have
>erections, the girls behind them reach through between their legs, pull
>their erect penises downward and then release them.
>
>
>
>Their penises spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies. A
>measurement of the strength of their masculinity.
>
>
>
>And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Texas cowboy was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
> >
> >Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
> >
> >After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted
> >island.
> >
> >After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
>animal
> >companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
> >
> >One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
> >clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, ah yes, the perfect night for
> >romance.
> >
> >As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
> >lonely cowboy. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
>around
> >it.
> >
> >But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
> >the man removed his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three
>of
> >them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more
> >cuddling.
> >
> >A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
> >
> >The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
>woman
> >the man had ever seen.
> >
> >She was in a bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back
>to
> >health.
> >
> >When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
>evening
> >beach ritual.
> >
> >It was another beautiful evening. The sky was a fiery red with
>beautiful
> >cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, ah yes, the perfect
>night
> >for romance.
> >
> >Pretty soon, the cowboy started to get "those feelings" again.
> >
> >He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in. Ever
>so
> >cautiously, he leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her
>ear,
> >
> >"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hockey in Alberta

Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in a Red Deer, Alberta, when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.

A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Flames fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we're in Alberta, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again. "Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not an Oilers fan either," the boy says.

"Oh, I assumed everyone in Alberta was either for the Flames or the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Maple Leafs fan," the boy replies.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard From Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

that's all the funnies i have for a while.... hah hah haha MUDqueen

[bigblockcowboy]

What do you call the dead blonde in your closet?



















Winner of last years hide and seek contest

[mudqueen]

A Smelly Poem

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......


A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......


A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

[bigblockcowboy]

You're not callin Corey old are ya?

[bluedeth]

i would never say that.... :)cause i'm not so far behind him

[mudqueen]

Anger Management




When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right ####### number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole ..1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, " Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole ..2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at

34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work

[mudqueen]

The Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

" Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully.

No one answered.

" All right, I'm going to have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm going to do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home ."

[mudqueen]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man...


HE HE HE

[mudqueen]

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewed on the end.

[Dodgeboy426]

thanks Sis, i needed trhat

[mudqueen]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

[mudqueen]

I have a big dog and I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog food at Wal-Mart. As I was standing in the line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



On a lark, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Dog Food Diet again, although I probably should not because I had ended up in the hospital last time. I said that I had lost 50 pounds before regaining consciousness in the intensive care ward with IVs in both arms and tubes coming out most of my orifices.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.



I have to mention that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her eating a hot dog.



Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned, and was that why I was in the hospital.



I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my butt when I was struck by a car.



I thought I saw a chunk of hot dog come out the tall guy’s nose, he was laughing so hard

[mudqueen]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, Whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife


____________________________________________________________

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

p.s. - I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!

[mudqueen]

Carol was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day,
the police raided a sex party at a hotel and arrested a whole group of
prostitutes, Carol among them. The police took them outside and had all the
prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Carol's grandma came
by and saw her granddaughter
standing in line. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Carol told her
grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was
just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and
she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow,
still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
grandma replied . . . "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and
suck them dry." The policeman fainted





the oranges you sick bastards.....the oranges

[mudqueen]

A Recipe For You.....

LEMON CHICKEN BREAST

I saw this recipe for a lemon chicken breast that looked really good. I thought I would share it with others who are forced into the kitchen a few times a week.

Ingredients:
1 whole chicken (weight is dependent on how many servings are required)
1 large lemon, cut into halves
sprig of rosemary
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer
Heat oven to 350 degrees

Rub butter or oil over the skin of the chicken until it is completely coated

Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up. This way the juice from the lemon will coat the breast.
Season skin of chicken to your preference, place sprig of rosemary into the chicken.
Cover and place in oven for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes depending on the
size of the bird.


If you've followed these steps correctly, your chicken should look like the one in the picture below.


Bon Appetit!

[mudqueen]

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party
in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and
get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom
and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells
at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black
Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear.

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the
costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to
the bedroom and there laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again
yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a
black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the
costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the
husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three
items one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white
belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 The husband yells at the wife, What
the hell are these for?

" The wife yells back," Take your clothes off. You can
put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If
you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an
Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your
ass and go as a fudgesicle !

[mudqueen]

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.


MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"


HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and
a sports car.